Before becoming a plarent, I dedicated most of my energy to sculpting the contours of my crust and pumping up my magnetic fields. I was young and gorgeous—the envy of my siblings—living my best life in the fast lane. As the ages passed, however, a sense of emptiness overcame me. Then came the bad years. The sun  flared up relentlessly, and Saturn taunted me with their shiny rings. I acted out. I said some things that could not be unsaid to the moon. After they turned their back on me, I fell into a dark place. Luckily, with some time to process, I had an epiphany: I said to myself, Earth, you need someone to love and care for. You need to develop those simple organisms spawning in your waters into advanced life-forms. My siblings dismissed it as another of my eccentricities. A cry for attention. But once they caught sight of the dinosaurs, it was all anyone would talk about.

Raising advanced life is a struggle at times, but trust me, you’ll experience a joy like no other. I admit I have not been perfect. You’re surely familiar with my current plight. That’s why I started this newsletter: to share my best tips with all the other expecting plarents out there.

Be Proactive 

Don’t wait around for a rogue asteroid or for another plarent’s life-forms to go viral. Stay true to your authentic self. Cultivate the simple organisms that come naturally to you. Throw a little radiation their way. Pit the strongest survivors against one another. Surprise them with a natural disaster. The fun lies in seeing how they respond to catastrophic change.

Embrace Your Thick Atmosphere

Everyone wants to flaunt their deepest valleys and highest peaks, but don’t get caught up in the hype. Advanced life-forms thrive under a dense, protective atmosphere. Plus, it hides the endless heaps of garbage from the prying eyes of your neighbours.

Prepare for Extinction-Level Events

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the dinosaurs. After the meteor, I fell into a deep depression and shrouded myself in darkness. I was desperate to replace those majestic reptiles with a species that would not remind me of them, and I have been paying for it ever since.

Do Not Memorialize

Do not convert the final remains of your life-forms into combustibles. Do not let them well up to the surface. Do not entrust them to deep underground deposits. The primates will find them. They will exhume and burn them because they know you loved the dinosaurs more.

Avoid Primates

They are capable of love and charity, yet too many of them cling to fear and revel in destructive behaviours. I’m partially to blame, letting them evolve when I was in such an unstable phase. Right now, I cannot wait for them to be gone. But who knows? Maybe I’ll remember them more fondly once I have a chance to cool off.